Is there something wrong with you? Hell YEAH!!

What happened? Did something happen? Did I do something? Are you upset? You want to get out? You want to eat something? Can I get you some water? Would you like to watch TV? Would you like to talk to your mom? You want to play a game? You want to go for a drive? Please say something!!!

I have been asked these questions so many times (every time rather) when I am morose. Why am I morose, you ask? I have been chasing the answer to that question my entire life. And I know that if I look upset, it's going to wreck a cannonball of worry amongst people who love me. But my damn face! You can read it better than a weather report for the next hour. There is no hiding that I am going through something. Now what that something is - that's a quest that you are so not equipped to handle.

I wish I could just tell you that get me an ice-cream or fried chicken, or tell me that you love me, or tell me that I am worthy of being alive, or help my claustrophobia. I wish it were that simple. I wish I knew what will fix me. I am too broken to be fixed by these solutions. 

I have a very happy day, or even a very exciting past hour. And then suddenly my heart starts sinking. All the colors around me fade into a dark foggy gray. I forget who I am as a person. All I can see myself as is a burden on the people around me who I make miserable because I don't have a grip on my emotions. 

And then the inner dialogue starts. 

"You are not feeling anything. You are not sick. You are just faking it. You want attention and you are back at using your tried and tested techniques. What kind of a sick person fakes this kind of sickness to make other worried sick? You don't deserve anything and anyone you have. People have 'real' problems - hunger, heartbreak, diseases, poverty, famines, wars, exams, jobs. And what do you have? You don't even have a 'problem'! Shame on you. And anything you do to make it better is you being selfish because there is nothing more you deserve than what you already have."

The voice is right. I don't have a 'real' problem. And that is my only problem. Because if I knew what is making me want to explode within myself with the screams coming from my soul - I would have done something to fix it. At times, medicine helps. But most times, the chaos is too powerful to be suppressed. I don't know the clinical definition of it - but this is what an anxiety attack is to me.

Of course, there are times when there are triggers - social gatherings, deadlines, important appointments, awaiting any result, feeling helpless seeing a loved one in pain. But more often than not, anxiety attacks are like a mock fire drill. The alarm just goes off randomly and the chaos just sets in. But there is not friggin' fire that I can extinguish and make it all stop.

I hate myself to no bounds in those moments which could last for minutes, hours, days and weeks. Tears have a schedule of their own - they follow none. At times I am in so much pain that all I can do is scream silently. Other times, I am crying like a deserted baby in a locked room. 

How can you help me, you ask? No matter how genuinely heartfelt this question is - this is the last thing I want to hear. I don't know how to help me and you want me to help you help me!? If it were that simple! 

But when sanity slowly makes an entrance, there are things that I think I could tell you to make the transition easy for me.

-First of all don't assume I am a prude. I am just shit-scared of bursting into a tears at any moment and I am too busy holding myself together. What I think of you is the last thing on my mind. What is on my mind is 'what are you thinking of me'. I am a very nice person who will always greet you with a smile and something silly to say. If I am not doing that, know that I am sick and just give me a hug. 

-Don't ask questions. If you think by doing something, you will help me, do it. I am in no state to weigh options or give suggestions.

-Understand that anxiety attacks aren't always triggered by something. It could just as well be a deep wound from my childhood, a beggar on the street, overeating, or just spending a little extra time on my phone. It is also very possible that a witch passed by me and cursed me to feel so gutted that I want to die that very instant. 

-If there is a reason I am upset, it will not necessarily be an anxiety attack. And in that case, I will mostly tell you what's going on. If I am not talking - know that it is because I am really not able to talk. Respect my silence and don't barrage me with your nervous questionnaire.

-If I am having anxiety, I am not a land-mine that will just explode on your touch. I want to be held and I need all the positive energy that you can give me. 

-Assure me that you understand that what I am going through is tough and most definitely real. Make me believe that I am not faking it. Show me articles that describe my symptoms and rationalize my irrational thoughts. Also know, that I will never fake it. There is nothing more I hate than seeking this kind of attention. If I want your attention, I will tell you a crappy joke or sing awfully till your ears bleed.

-I will not (never) ask you to come rescue me. But that is what I need the most at the time. I need to know that I am not alone. I need to be surrounded by love.

-Show a gesture of your love. I don't know in what way, but if you are close enough to me to see my anxiety, I am sure you know a few ways that will definitely make me happy (or in this case a little less miserable). 

-Whatever you do - don't ask me what can you do?!

-And worse than that - please don't tell me to not feel all these stupid things. I don't choose to do so. And that's the reason why it is called anxiety, otherwise it would be called 'worry'. 

-No unsolicited advices please. I know everything that there is to help with anxiety. Remember, I am the one going through it so my knowledge and research is more thorough than yours. I know exercise, yoga, good eating, happy thoughts, meditation, blah blah blah are very helpful and I should try that. I do. It is not as easy for me as for you. For me - a herculean task is to even get up from the couch and pee when I am having an anxiety attack.

I think this rant went on a little too long. But it was necessary. And this is not even all that there is to it. It is a start nevertheless. To summarize, I would just like to say - anxious and depressed people don't choose to be so, just like a cancer patient doesn't choose a tumor. It just happens. And the pain is as real!

What's Your Baggage?

I sat there for a solid 8 hours. I didn't eat, drink, pee - nothing! I just sat in front of the TV, curled up in a blanket. This wasn't a one day thing. It kept happening for days. At first, I just thought I was being lazy. Well, extraordinarily lazy. And then the crying started. And then all hell broke loose.

I was crying while brushing my teeth. I was crying in the shower. I was crying after taking a shower. I was crying because I didn't know why I was crying. The more I tried to stop it, the more I was crying. I was not just crying. I was wailing out loud in pain.

You would think that I must be going through a very difficult period in my life. Health issues, money problems, lack of love, job complications...but no, I didn't have any of those. In fact, I was in the happiest era of my life. I was newly married, had a loving husband, a home, and everything you need to have a good life. Then why was I crying?

I was crying because I was going through "Depression.' I know that the first thought that will come to your mind is - "What were you depressed about. You got everything one could ask for!" Let's start with breaking the very first myth about depression. Depression is not the same as being sad. Depression happens due to a chemical imbalance in your brain, over which you have no control.

This wasn't happening in my life for the first time. I remember I often used to cry inconsolably ever since I was a kid. My parents didn't know about it. I didn't know understand it! Thankfully, my husband knew about it. He knew about it because he had endured it from a very young age too. Silver linings I suppose.

It was a very long journey that I had to take before I realized that I could have dropped a ton of baggage long ago in my life. I didn't even know I had baggage. I just thought that you were meant to suffer in life. Being sad is the natural state to be in. Depression had been weighing me down ever since I was as young as 8 years old.

I want to take you on a journey. I want you to know this because there is a chance that you too are carrying extra baggage for nothing. I want to heal from all the years of pain. I want us to collectively send out a prayer for everyone who is suffering in silence because they don't know that they can be happy instead. 

He was never her

He was many things,

but hers he was not.

She kept chasing him,

nothing she ever got.

If only she knew

that love can only get so much;

a half-hearted kiss,

maybe a stolen touch!

He was someone else,

not the rest for her soul so tired.

It took a broken heart to know,

it was an idea that she desired.

Love doesn't come that way,

you can't change someone. 

The one who belongs with you

will already be the perfect one!

Are you happy, now?

In her thoughts, they were still together, and would probably always be.
She was following him all the time in her mind...as she ate, slept, watched TV.
There was no running away from him; his presence was a haunting 'memory'.
She was alone and he was making her lonely.
She knew he never belonged to her, but his casual meetings were enough for her to weave the fantasies.
After all, they had one big common interest - Love for him!
And she was more than happy to do anything to make him happy.
Making him happy had become the reason of her living - it made her happy.
Maybe she thought she would become indispensable by making sure he is happy with her.
Forgetting the primal rule of the cruel world - no one is indispensable; definitely not her to him.
He is gone now.
Officially announcing the right to someone else to make him happy.
She is miserable, not because he never loved her.
Because she had been fooling herself thinking 'she' made him happy.
Wasted years of her life and herself over an illusion.
Love was too much of a thing; she never expected that you know!
All she wanted to do is make him happy.
And her biggest fear now is to bump into a place where he is happy.
The irony of life - her joy is her bane - was always!
Her only scare in life is to find out how happy he is!
Her only scar in life is that- happy he is!

The CRASHing of the heart-drive!

Break ups are never easy. The only positive thing about it is the word "UP" when actually your whole world comes crashing down. They say with new times and modern technology, there is a lot you can do to distract yourself. But the irony is that most of the time, you are distracted tracing the digital footprints of your once beloved EX.

 
You are wondering what DP they post on their Whatsapp profile? When were they last seen chatting? Are they posting happy statuses on Facebook? Are they retweeting funny messages with an LOL? Have they deleted your instagram pictures and cropped you from your couple images? Have they started tagging someone else on their pictures? Are they as upset as you - which can be guesses by the kind of sad heart-break quotes they are sharing on their wall?

Wasn't a heart break much less haunting when all you had to do is stop seeing them or calling them and you were done. You would have no clue what is going on with their lives and you could move on so much more peacefully giving time for your wounds to heal.

As we go digital, have we brought upon more pain than joy on us?

Will the virus of a break-up ever leave us alone or keep spamming our lives till we see another update on their wall that says - In a relationship!?

To feel how I feel

It is so difficult to make someone else see what you see. 

Make them feel what you feel. 

Perhaps it is almost impossible. I don't think anyone or anything but movies can do that. People weep on the death of the lovers, they feel sorry when they suffer from the pangs of separation, they cry in their pain; and you know why that happens? It is because in a movie, they see the entire life of the character. They become one with the character and live their life for those 2 hours. Hence that pain reaches their heart. I wish I were a movie character too, that way i would have 2 hours of your undivided attention and you would know what exactly I am going through. You would feel the pain I feel, cry the tears that come in my eyes. 

If this is not love...what is?

Some show their love with flowers

Some claim their love by screaming on towers

Some bring gifts and some take you to eat

Some write poems and love letters sweet

You did nothing of it and it made me wonder

Whether you love me, or I am a girl just another

But after the years that have passed between us

I sit back to think and my spirit cheers

I realise that each one loves differently

It's me who didn't realize, so foolishly

You don't bring flowers, gifts or chocolates for me

But you have opened your heart and soul to me

You have made yourself known to me; all inhibitions barred

Every secret of yours with me you have shared

If this is not love than what is

For any flowers or gifts, this love I wouldn't miss!