Is there something wrong with you? Hell YEAH!!

What happened? Did something happen? Did I do something? Are you upset? You want to get out? You want to eat something? Can I get you some water? Would you like to watch TV? Would you like to talk to your mom? You want to play a game? You want to go for a drive? Please say something!!!

I have been asked these questions so many times (every time rather) when I am morose. Why am I morose, you ask? I have been chasing the answer to that question my entire life. And I know that if I look upset, it's going to wreck a cannonball of worry amongst people who love me. But my damn face! You can read it better than a weather report for the next hour. There is no hiding that I am going through something. Now what that something is - that's a quest that you are so not equipped to handle.

I wish I could just tell you that get me an ice-cream or fried chicken, or tell me that you love me, or tell me that I am worthy of being alive, or help my claustrophobia. I wish it were that simple. I wish I knew what will fix me. I am too broken to be fixed by these solutions. 

I have a very happy day, or even a very exciting past hour. And then suddenly my heart starts sinking. All the colors around me fade into a dark foggy gray. I forget who I am as a person. All I can see myself as is a burden on the people around me who I make miserable because I don't have a grip on my emotions. 

And then the inner dialogue starts. 

"You are not feeling anything. You are not sick. You are just faking it. You want attention and you are back at using your tried and tested techniques. What kind of a sick person fakes this kind of sickness to make other worried sick? You don't deserve anything and anyone you have. People have 'real' problems - hunger, heartbreak, diseases, poverty, famines, wars, exams, jobs. And what do you have? You don't even have a 'problem'! Shame on you. And anything you do to make it better is you being selfish because there is nothing more you deserve than what you already have."

The voice is right. I don't have a 'real' problem. And that is my only problem. Because if I knew what is making me want to explode within myself with the screams coming from my soul - I would have done something to fix it. At times, medicine helps. But most times, the chaos is too powerful to be suppressed. I don't know the clinical definition of it - but this is what an anxiety attack is to me.

Of course, there are times when there are triggers - social gatherings, deadlines, important appointments, awaiting any result, feeling helpless seeing a loved one in pain. But more often than not, anxiety attacks are like a mock fire drill. The alarm just goes off randomly and the chaos just sets in. But there is not friggin' fire that I can extinguish and make it all stop.

I hate myself to no bounds in those moments which could last for minutes, hours, days and weeks. Tears have a schedule of their own - they follow none. At times I am in so much pain that all I can do is scream silently. Other times, I am crying like a deserted baby in a locked room. 

How can you help me, you ask? No matter how genuinely heartfelt this question is - this is the last thing I want to hear. I don't know how to help me and you want me to help you help me!? If it were that simple! 

But when sanity slowly makes an entrance, there are things that I think I could tell you to make the transition easy for me.

-First of all don't assume I am a prude. I am just shit-scared of bursting into a tears at any moment and I am too busy holding myself together. What I think of you is the last thing on my mind. What is on my mind is 'what are you thinking of me'. I am a very nice person who will always greet you with a smile and something silly to say. If I am not doing that, know that I am sick and just give me a hug. 

-Don't ask questions. If you think by doing something, you will help me, do it. I am in no state to weigh options or give suggestions.

-Understand that anxiety attacks aren't always triggered by something. It could just as well be a deep wound from my childhood, a beggar on the street, overeating, or just spending a little extra time on my phone. It is also very possible that a witch passed by me and cursed me to feel so gutted that I want to die that very instant. 

-If there is a reason I am upset, it will not necessarily be an anxiety attack. And in that case, I will mostly tell you what's going on. If I am not talking - know that it is because I am really not able to talk. Respect my silence and don't barrage me with your nervous questionnaire.

-If I am having anxiety, I am not a land-mine that will just explode on your touch. I want to be held and I need all the positive energy that you can give me. 

-Assure me that you understand that what I am going through is tough and most definitely real. Make me believe that I am not faking it. Show me articles that describe my symptoms and rationalize my irrational thoughts. Also know, that I will never fake it. There is nothing more I hate than seeking this kind of attention. If I want your attention, I will tell you a crappy joke or sing awfully till your ears bleed.

-I will not (never) ask you to come rescue me. But that is what I need the most at the time. I need to know that I am not alone. I need to be surrounded by love.

-Show a gesture of your love. I don't know in what way, but if you are close enough to me to see my anxiety, I am sure you know a few ways that will definitely make me happy (or in this case a little less miserable). 

-Whatever you do - don't ask me what can you do?!

-And worse than that - please don't tell me to not feel all these stupid things. I don't choose to do so. And that's the reason why it is called anxiety, otherwise it would be called 'worry'. 

-No unsolicited advices please. I know everything that there is to help with anxiety. Remember, I am the one going through it so my knowledge and research is more thorough than yours. I know exercise, yoga, good eating, happy thoughts, meditation, blah blah blah are very helpful and I should try that. I do. It is not as easy for me as for you. For me - a herculean task is to even get up from the couch and pee when I am having an anxiety attack.

I think this rant went on a little too long. But it was necessary. And this is not even all that there is to it. It is a start nevertheless. To summarize, I would just like to say - anxious and depressed people don't choose to be so, just like a cancer patient doesn't choose a tumor. It just happens. And the pain is as real!

What's Your Baggage?

I sat there for a solid 8 hours. I didn't eat, drink, pee - nothing! I just sat in front of the TV, curled up in a blanket. This wasn't a one day thing. It kept happening for days. At first, I just thought I was being lazy. Well, extraordinarily lazy. And then the crying started. And then all hell broke loose.

I was crying while brushing my teeth. I was crying in the shower. I was crying after taking a shower. I was crying because I didn't know why I was crying. The more I tried to stop it, the more I was crying. I was not just crying. I was wailing out loud in pain.

You would think that I must be going through a very difficult period in my life. Health issues, money problems, lack of love, job complications...but no, I didn't have any of those. In fact, I was in the happiest era of my life. I was newly married, had a loving husband, a home, and everything you need to have a good life. Then why was I crying?

I was crying because I was going through "Depression.' I know that the first thought that will come to your mind is - "What were you depressed about. You got everything one could ask for!" Let's start with breaking the very first myth about depression. Depression is not the same as being sad. Depression happens due to a chemical imbalance in your brain, over which you have no control.

This wasn't happening in my life for the first time. I remember I often used to cry inconsolably ever since I was a kid. My parents didn't know about it. I didn't know understand it! Thankfully, my husband knew about it. He knew about it because he had endured it from a very young age too. Silver linings I suppose.

It was a very long journey that I had to take before I realized that I could have dropped a ton of baggage long ago in my life. I didn't even know I had baggage. I just thought that you were meant to suffer in life. Being sad is the natural state to be in. Depression had been weighing me down ever since I was as young as 8 years old.

I want to take you on a journey. I want you to know this because there is a chance that you too are carrying extra baggage for nothing. I want to heal from all the years of pain. I want us to collectively send out a prayer for everyone who is suffering in silence because they don't know that they can be happy instead.